


Akashi no therapy

by oddball



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Post-Winter Cup, Team Crackship, Therapy, makesnosense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-09-25
Packaged: 2018-02-18 18:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2357825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddball/pseuds/oddball
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akashi needs to attend therapy after suffering from 'post-loss-syndrome'  The miracles agree to aid Akashi's healing. None of this makes any sense. Precisely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Akashi no therapy

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! I'm almost done with my internship and going to move again soon! That means I'll get some free time to get back to my fics :D  
> This one is purely crack and a product of post work sleepiness and a huge amount of annoyance at the manga getting over without adequate warning :(
> 
> Nonetheless, I love Knb to pieces, for life :) 
> 
> Enjoy this! And also, October may see me putting out some new works, one being a sequel to 'dear alex' !  
> So I love you all! and do look out for some random bunch of things I might post soon :)

"Post seirin winning, the point guard premier Akashi Seijuurou was experiencing depression. Depression out of loss of the match but deep down, his sense of loss arises out of deeper misgivings"

 Akashi frowned loudly at the woman who was uttering this to a dictaphone.

 "I'm sorry but I must record these sittings" the be speckled woman trembled in the presence of the decorous but demonic point guard.  

 "Go ahead" he permitted. 

 "So why do you think you hover over loss more than everyone else?" she enquired softly; standard questions, standard procedure, big mistake.

 "If I knew that my father wouldn't be paying you absurd amounts and I wouldn't be wasting my time here on this chaise" 

 "Right. Ahhh.. So your file says you lost your mother at a young age and have a trying relationship with your father. Do you suppose his strict demeanor imposes unrealistic goals on you?" 

 "Yes. And no. The goals aren't unrealistic."

 "But you lost.." 

 "So? What kind of logic is that? I'm wondering about your efficacy. Even a toddler could predict that his strict behavior stresses me. That doesn't explain why I'm not happy playing something I love" 

 "Yes but un..." 

 "I'm sorry but your exercise is futile and pointless" Akashi said dialing some digits rapidly on his phone 

 "Coach Eiji, I quit this therapy. This woman has no theories to explain basic things, let alone my complex behavior" 

 "Hey! That's not.." the woman flailed her hands violently, feeling inadequate

 The red haired man turned briskly towards the woman who seemed to be nagging a lot, with a curt look.

"Alright, why is Daiki obsessed with big breasts and despite being around a woman like that all the time, why does he never act on it?" 

 "Firstly that's no fair! And secondly.." 

 "Times up. If you had read my file like you claimed, there's detailed accounts of the miracles. So you didn't read my file as you said. Therefore you are clearly incapable of diagnosing me. Also, he over compensates for his homosexuality and obviously doesn't make a move on Satsuki because he doesn't want to, he doesn't swing that way. She is a dear friend, not a love interest. Dear lord, if you cannot understand a primate like Daiki, how will you unravel the enigmatic inner machinations of my mind. I hereby fire you"

Somewhere in a distance a loud face palm was heard. 

 "Akashi you can't fire her. You don't own the company" his coach shook his head in a long and tired nod

 Akashi was silent. He furiously typed on his phone and after a few minutes a brisk and curt smirk broke on his face 

"Now I can" 

 Coach Eiji sighed in exasperation as the "life coach" beside Akashi cursed and cried and wept and passed out. 

 "Tch" 

 "Akashi this is the ninth therapist in two months. The school requires you to attend therapy. Don't make this tougher than it is" the older man across the phone said.

 "I don't see why I need therapy" Akashi said almost petulantly

 "Because apparently yesterday you saw a pregnant woman in an orange dress and cried thinking it was a basketball. A week ago you cut down a tree with a scissor because it's branches were split like some Kagami's eyebrows and then you had a Facebook conversation with yourself, where the two 'yous' fought over power, which by the way has 200 likes"  

 Akashi went into a long pause before he finally muttered something that sounded like a truce.

 "Fine but none of these fools. I know someone who will be befitting" 

\---

 

"No" Nijimura croaked 

 "We need you Nijimura-kun, please" Eiji pleaded over the phone.

"No" 

 "Please Nijimura- kun. He trusts you implicitly. And seems to have great faith in you. Also I've read your file, I'm very keen on appointing you as assistant coach to Rakuzan" 

 Nijimura smirked out a wisp of air in his flap-phone.

 "Fine I'll do it. As for your bribe, I'm sure Akashi gave you that file and the impetuous. I'm not sure about the job but I will help the brats. They maybe brats but their primarily my brats. And don't tell him this, I have a soft spot towards that kid (and a part guilt for maybe not weaning him into captaincy long enough which may have prevented the Teiko debacle, he mused to himself inwardly) 

 Eiji smiled and graciously awaited Nijimura's arrival. He didn't know the boy from Adam, but if Akashi had entrusted his faith in someone, he would have to be nothing less than god. A patient messiah, with words dipped in honey and gold, Eiji mused.

\-- 

"So let's get this over with. I don't have all day to deal with you mongrels again" Nijimura croaked at the sight of the rainbow bunch, who were well decorated on tiny chairs on a basketball court. Teiko couldn't say no to them even on a Sunday, but then again, seeing them on tiny chairs was more fun.

 Akashi was forcefully brought to the basketball court (which Mibuchi commented was akin to a battlefield for his little Sei-chan. The scene was memorable. Akashi strapped down to a chair, Hayama and Nebuya carrying him as he threatened bloody murder. Mibuchi biting his nails and sweating profusely, worried that the goons would drop his precious captain. The miracles wanted to say something, click a picture, but they valued their lives too much. They instead decided to savor the moment in silence and snigger)

 Kise squealed in happiness at the sight of their former captain. Midorima and Murasakibara remained stoic and Aomine growled. Kuroko sat dangerously close to Akashi "at kissing distance" to make sure he wouldn't bolt.

 "So Akashi, why are you being a Kise?" Nijimura instinctively covered his ears, waiting for Kise to squeal.

 "Nijimura cchi!" he didn't disappoint.

 "Seriously Akashi stop sulking and whining so much" Aomine grunted.

 "I think I owe this behavior to Daiki" 

 Aomine leapt up screaming to his defense when he heard a partial unanimous agreement. The green haired shooting guard said

"If you think about it..."

 "If Aomine-kun hadn't suddenly thought he's too big for his boots, skipped practice, been an asshole to me in the rain, which by the way gave my near pneumonia later and promoted the sentiment of giving a fuck to practice in general, we would've pulled along"  Aomine jolted as the ethereal boy spoke

 "Tetsu! Don't pull of a Brutus" 

 "I'm really surprised you made that reference Aomine" Midorima shuffled his spectacles in an expression called 'the tsundere surprise'

 "Fuck off Midorima. And hey! It's not like I asked to be born genius at ball!" Aomine grumbled.

 "You could've also asked not to be an asshole" Kuroko said with his uncanny straight-face.

 "But I.." 

 Kuroko breathed heavily as Nijimura pressed his face against the top edge of the chair. "Aomine-kun, let me put things into perspective for you- you led me on, you became my reason for basketball, then you dumped me like a hot potato and you become an asshole" 

 "Kurokocchi your story brings tears to my eyes" Kise tried squeezing a fake tear.

 "Last I recollect this is Aka-chin's therapy not Kuro-chin's"  Murasakibara intervened

 Akashi's eyesbrows twitched, he was enjoying the Daiki bashing "But Tetsuya is my most precious" 

 "Oh please! Let's not even go there Akashi! And to rekindle some old sparks, the one who turned Akashi into a perfect whack job was Barney here! Not that guy who lands chicks all the time, but that purple dinosaur shithead!" 

 Nijimura flicked Aomine on his forehead with his finger and gestured him to shut up and then turned to the visibly irked dinosaur "Murasakibara, explain what happened" 

 "After coach told Mine-chin he could skip practice, I wanted to skip it too since I was getting good and it's boring. And then I called Aka-chin a shortie and then he challenged me and when Aka-chin was losing, he flipped over into two color eyes aka-chin and became bat-shit-crazy-I never lose-Aka chin and I got scared" 

 Akashi applauded "You should write children's novels Atsushi" 

 "Yes Murasakibaracchi. You indeed have the Barney effect" 

 Nijimura nodded patiently. He turned to his former vice captain "So Akashi, you flipped over because Murasakibara was going to beat you or.." 

 "He challenged my position as captain" Akashi quickly retorted

 "And while we're at it, why doesn't anyone point out that it was Kise who started the points game?" Aomine decided, if he's going down, he's taking them all with him!

 "Even though I wanted to tell Akashi something regarding what he said earlier, please tell me what you did Kise" Nijimura said exasperated. He wondered how people allowed these nut-jobs without leashes or chips imbedded in their skulls.

 "I didn't do it intentionally I swear Nijimuracchi! I didn't!"

 Nijimura gave a long plastic look with his upper lip twitching, giving Kise a tell tale sign that he has to begin talking or else he would have to notice the upper lip and then Nijimura would kill him 

 "I...proposed a game where we play among ourselves and see who scores the highest" 

 The room fell silent until Kise squeaked again "I did it so that at least that way we'd have fun! Stay together as a team and at least that way.." 

 "Aomine-kun would come for the games and your heart wouldn't weep every night to sleep" 

 "Kurokocchi!" 

 "Akashi-kun..."  Akashi took the cue from Kuroko and proceeded

 "Certainly. Daiki, you were the only one who knew he was a model, you hit him with a ball to get his notice, you went easy on him during inter high and when you thought Haizaki was harming him, you punched that lout's face, which by the way, is one of the few good things you've done in life. Hence Tetsuya's inference is flawless"

While Aomine furiously blushed and refuted the presented logic loudly, Kise smiled like a lovelorn lad only to the remainder of the spectrum's nausea, specifically Midorima who did not sign up to be put into such a penitentiary!

 "Oi Aomine, do you like him? And Kise you obviously do. So I'm giving you'll 10 seconds to kiss and get over with this 4 year long tension" Nijimura announced.

 Aomine panicked and Kise flapped and flailed, flustered and confused 

 "1 neureneuren.. 2 neureneuren.." 

 And under the pressure of Murasakibara's counting and in the moment of confusion, Akashi's smirk, Midorima's disgust all turned to shock as Aomine grabbed the model by his neck, lurched himself towards him into a deep, thirsty kiss, causing Kise to forget that he needed to remain shocked and flustered and not enjoy it by wrapping his hands around the tanned male's neck as he felt arms pincer around his own back. It was broken when they each felt a light tap on the back of their heads and the ubiquitous coughs from their former teammates

 "I'm .. Confused" Murasakibara admitted

 "Nijimura Senpai if we didn't love or respect you as much, someone would've killed you for making us see that" Kuroko joked

 Kise was still reeling in from the moment while Aomine launched into defense. "You guys are talking like it was watching two girls one cup!" 

 "It was moderately aesthetic Daiki and Ryouta" Akashi declared.

 "Thank you Akashichi!" 

 "It felt more incest to me" Midorima squirmed in a controlled fashion 

 Aomine made a puking gesture and Kise flailed his hands loudly as Nijimura noticed a subtle smile on Akashi's face. Of course he was enjoying this. So Nijimura decided to let them play along a little longer. After all, it was his intention to make them live out their childish tendencies.

 "Just because you found love outside doesn't mean you call us incest Midorimacchi!"

 Midorima pressed hard at his rubber toy before he spat "Love is absurd! And I don't love Takao" 

 "Then why'd you assume Kise-kun was talking about him?" Aomine grunted as everyone else chuckled at Kuroko's one liner.

 "Oldest trick in the book Mido-chin." Barney seemed to approve of Kise's trick.

"You too Barney. How'd you land pretty boy?" 

 "Eh? Muro-chin? He's like a mother" Murasakibara chomped away without a care in the world.

 Kise jumped to adorn a pose that would be undignified to anyone else "Hah! Oedipus complex trumps incest any day Murasakibaracchi!" 

 Nijimura interrupted the post holy union chit chat and flicked Aomine and Kise on their foreheads. 

 "As much as I love to hear about you idiots meeting your matches, some outside the miracle-freak-clan, for which I commend you two, can we get back to what kind of douches you people were to play that internal game? Not only was it disrespectful but also disrespectful to the game you boys love?" 

The twisted eyebrow on Nijimura's face and the sternness in his voice made them sink their colorful heads  in shame all barring the light blue silhouette looking at them with paradoxical emotions of 'I told you so' and pity and sorrow. After a long pause Kise raised his hand to say something but coughed out a ball of air and said nothing.

 "Akashi rigged the match between us and the school that sounds like a cheap rip off of Teiko despite knowing that Tetsu's then BFF was in it and Tetsu had him promise that we would give it all. Heck! He told us to let them score or score for them a little" 

 Akashi's eyes looked far more piercing and far more red than his scissors right now as he wished that Daiki would drop dead if he stared enough, but what no one noticed was Akashi's trembling hands inside his sweatshirt pockets. Nijimura looked at Akashi painfully as Akashi avoided his gaze, succumbing to the accusation levied upon him. Nijimura sighed at having lost the best one too. 

 "We really need to start a vice- jar for you morons" he cringed 

 "Yes Senpai. Daiki, how about I fill mine with your blood in it" Akashi spewed but this time the sadness in his eyes didn't escape Nijimura 

 "That's enough. Akashi, I didn't see this coming from you" 

 "You seem  like you're actually surprised that he's the spawn of the devil, Senpai" Aomine dared to spew

 Nijimura looked at Akashi whose eyes were steady, still they were darting about the ground in a veiled regret. He shot a look to Kuroko who sensed Akashi's hesitance 

 "It seems weird to say but Midorima-kun is the nicest asshole in the room"

 Midorima joined his arms in a clasp and nodded "Yes. Thank you Kuroko.. Wait a minute" 

 "Don't worry Mido-chin I'm sure we can find someone who you crushed" 

 Midorima frowned and quickly retorted to Murasakibara "Not one bit! I was always obedient and a faithful vice captain" 

 Kise waltzed about, squeaking his feet on the shiny court "Is that why you compensate by treating Takaocchi as a slave?" 

 "He's not one! And if slave possession is wrong what about the Yosen pretty boy under Murasakibara's hold?" Midorima stood up sternly, awakening the sleeping giant.

 "Stop bickering like fools, will you?! This blame game isn't helping anyone!" Nijimura yelled, watching a perturbing sight from the corner of his eye.

 "He started it Senpai! This dumb blue haired imbecile" Aomine harrumphed at Midorima's comment and was quick to retort

 "Well, goes to show that Midorima wasn't the nicest aashole but the most scared asshole with his head in Akashi's asshole"

"Mine-chin stop yelling or I'll crush you" the giant growled, only to come face to face with a fuming  blonde, who was possibly being protective (such misplaced concerns) "You cannot go around crushing people Murasakibaracchi" 

 "Mine-chin control your man"  Murasakibara hollered across the court.

 As the matter began to escalate at unknowing paces, voices began to get louder and the skirmish between the titans grew into a battle and the presiding officer rammed his head against the table of their old Teiko classroom, a cold shadow surreptitiously glided across the room and 'bam!' Touou's ace was licking the floor before he turned on his back with stars in his eyes. 

 "Tetsu, why the fuck.." 

 "If you all may stop your silly tantrums, may we remember for whose benefit we came here? Anyone recollect?" 

 "Aka-chin" the purple giant grunted at the seemingly rhetorical question posed by Kuroko who was beginning to develop his scowl face which Aomine feared and knew too well 

 "Tetsu.. Why did you ask that?" He asked with trepidation

 "Where is he?" 

 Aomine's face contorted, Kise bounced in confused, Murasakibara and Midorima scowled, but as they turned to point to where Akashi had been sitting, they saw he wasn't there. Murasakibara's lazy eyes narrowed in anger and Midorima began yelling out. Kise panicked wondering how they could lose a living being who wasn't Kurokocchi, only Aomine glared at Kuroko who looked obviously pissed

Nijimura sighed, kneeling, bending his head low, putting out his hand at the leg of a chair, speaking a low soft tone 

 "It's okay. They won't fight anymore" 

 "Has Nijimura cchi gone... He's talking to a chair" Kise signaled making twirling motions near his temple. 

 Midorima gawked as he lowered himself to see 'what' Nijimura was talking to. 

 "Akashi what are you doing below a.." 

 "Go away!" He screamed, his palms covering his ears and continuing to mumble to himself

"I failed again. It's my fault. Their fighting again. It's my fault.. It's my fault" he chanted as Midorima sat shell shocked. Even as Murasakibara tried to talk to aka-chin, Akashi hissed back at his former loyal subject. Aomine groaned at Akashi's antics and bent low

"Oye, Akashi, quit being a.." and his sentence was 'cut' short by a swift motion of scissors impaling a dark blue strand of hair from Aomine's head. He trembled as he heard Akashi yelling  "Get. Away!"

 "I'm not sure which Akashi I fear more, this one or the I-am-so absolute even my ass doesn't jiggle" Aomine croaked, staring at his lifeless blue hair in his palm.

 Kuroko rubbished Aomine rather effectively "Akashi-kun's ass doesn't jiggle because he's well toned" 

 While Midorima and Aomine crazy eye-glared at Kuroko for that, Kise leaned and spoke with tears welling in his eyes 

 "Akashichi, please come out. We need to tell you we're sorry. Please.." 

 Akashi opened his red eyes and looked at Kise but refused to take his hand. 

 Nijimura pulled aside a dejected Kise  "It's okay Akashi, sulk. Whine, cry, heck do it all. Do what you never got to do. Be a brat, be a kid. Back home you grew up too soon, at Teiko You had to shoulder responsibility too soon. I'm sorry I didn't wean you in enough. I'm sorry I couldn't let you just play for the love of it enough. Now give me those scissors, come out, these guys have something to say" 

Akashi stared at Nijimura's hand long enough until his words made sense to him. He handed over his scissor and crawled out in a daze. 

"What was I doing in there?"  Akashi stared aimlessly, while everyone backed a foot away from the quintessential yandere

Kise squealed as he bolted to hug Akashi for the first time with no restraint, then again Kise was known to be a glutton for punishment. As Akashi squirmed out of his grasp, Kise tear-eyed yelled out "I'm sorry I made that horrible game up! If not we'd never have become so cruel" 

 "I'm sorry I made you go two color eye Aka-chin who was homicidal, from the nice aka-chin who bought me sweets" Murasakibara said sheepishly to which Akashi responded with a smile.

 "I'm... Actually I have nothing to be sorry for" Midorima adamantly said

 "Me neither"

 All eyes turned to Daiki 

 "What?! When Midorima says it, it's cute and tsundere? Fuck this, I'm sorry Akashi!" 

 "It's okay Daiki, I still can't stand your guts" Akashi continued to smile to Aomine's dismay.

 "Let's group huddle!" the bubbly blonde said only to be snubbed by everyone, including his new found love 

 "What? That's it? We did this crap to come to the conclusion that Akashi wasn't childish enough? This is bullshit and sudden!" Aomine said throwing a loud tantrum

 "So was Seirin winning the winter cup, Tokyo ghoul's end and Kagami's departure to America for a month. Sudden things may not be all wrong, Daiki" Akashi explained

 "The last one was completely you Akashi" Midorima coughed.

 Akashi smiled in a very creepy way at Midorima, to which Midorima responded in a shiver and Nijimura laughed.

"Oh yes and Daiki.." Aomine turned as a fast moving pair of sheers cruised across his track pants, revealing a big tear from which Aomine's rear stood gaping.

 "Nice behind, except it's too jiggly. I would triple your menu if I could"

 Nijimura smiled as everyone excluding Aomine bellowed in laughter. He picked up a ball from the corner tossed it to Akashi who caught it instinctively and traced his fingers on the dots of an object, whose sensation he craved.

 "Three on three?" Nijimura prompted to which Akashi responded with a big grin.

 "I have a better idea Senpai. How about, first person to hit Daiki's face wins a hundred points"

 "You're on!" Kise squealed as he threw a wicked look and fist at Kuroko, who eagerly responded, to which the Touou bluenette screamed in horror and launched into action. Midorima paused before the ball fell into his hands via Akashi and he threw his unnaturally long shot, which eventually hit Aomine's head.

 "Piece of cake" Midorima concluded.

\--

_A few days later_

 "My Sei-chan looks so happy now-a-days! Is it because of that new hot-but-cute manager, grumpy coach appointed?" Reo thought to himself.

 --

  _Also a few days later_

 "Hello, is this Nijimura-san? Yeah, I'm Takao from Shutoku. Kuroko says I should ask you something about slavery. Would you know?"

\---

Imayoshi wanted to see the saint who managed to make Aomine smile like a ditz sometimes, while old lady at Yosen wanted to desperately know why Himuro read 'Barney's bedtime tales' out every day at the locker room. Kise is...faultless, while rumor has it, a certain teal blue hair and red hair, short pair were seen making best use of Kagami's "detention". Rumor also has it that Kagami has been put on the no-fly list and the condition to get off it, is to reapply for his passport with a new picture where his eyebrows are shaved off.

Some things don't change, do they?

\--   

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you'll liked this!


End file.
